Man, I really do like your translation, if even this is just a tiny snippet of what is possible for the entire work. I think it much better captures the spirit of a Bronze Age Collapse pirate tale, as opposed to using something like a haughty High Victorian style English. Also, I think your style be very fitting for a graphic novel version of the Iliad.

Honestly, I think a lot of problems with reading the classics in our current era is a problem of translation. And, that much can be done to make translations more relatable.